Helpful translations.

Travel brochures(Brief Article) Travel Weekly, by Alan Fredericks
If you've ever looked for an apartment or a house, you've had to learn how to translate the language of real estate sellers. For example, "cozy" means small; "quaint" or "picturesque" mean old and rundown, and "near the beach" means you have to drive a while to get there. Real estate sellers are by no means the only people capable of modifying the English language to sell something. Perhaps no one was more skilled at painting a rose-colored picture of reality than some of the folks who wrote the first generation of travel brochures. Their gushy portraits of what a traveler might expect became the stuff of legend. Few copywriters engage in that kind of embellishment these days, but the style has been immortalized by satirists. One of them provided a glossary aimed at decoding the phrases used in the early travel brochures. I came across the satirist's work on a lively Web site, www.anzac.com, sponsored by Abel Tasman Tours, a wholesaler to the South Pacific based in the Seattle area. The site also contains a number of other satirical pieces about travel. Abel Tasman's Jan Butterfield gave me permission to run the bit about decoding travel brochures although she can't remember where it came from. If the author is out there reading this, I apologize in advance for publishing it without mentioning you. If you make yourself known, I'll give you full credit for your clever work. Here are the brochure terms along with the author's suggestions on how to translate them: Old World charm = No Bath. Tropical = Rainy. Majestic setting = A long way from town. Options galore = Nothing is included in the itinerary. Secluded hideaway = Impossible to find or get to. Preregistered rooms = Already occupied. Explore on your own = Pay for it yourself. No extra fees = No extras. Nominal charge = Outrageous charge. Standard = Substandard. Deluxe = Standard. Superior = Two free shower caps. All the amenities = One free shower cap. Knowledgeable trip hosts = They've flown before. Plush = Top and bottom sheets. Gentle breezes = Gale-force winds. Light and airy = No air conditioning. Picturesque = Theme park nearby. Open bar = Free ice cubes. Send email to afredericks@cahners .com and read his daily column at www.twcrossroads.com.